blue artichoke

I just returned from "floating" in a giant tank of saltwater. It used to be called "sensory deprivation tank," then "isolation tank" and now "flotation tank."

I'm a huge fan of Joe Rogan, who is a huge fan of flotation tanks, so if Joe and I are ever to be best friends, I should also be a huge fan of flotation tanks. Although I really wanted to try one out, I must admit that I was quite wary and didn't know what to expect. Joe writes/talks about his tank a lot, and uses words like "psychic beating" and "extreme introspection." Kind of deep for a beautiful Saturday afternoon, but still, I was intrigued.

There is one place to float in the DC area, a "spa" above a Papa John's not far from where I work. I say "spa" because it looks like a front for some other sort of business. The place doesn't advertise, has no flyers or pamphlets, not even a website -- it has only a matchbook with the address and phone number. I stopped by on Thursday to make an appointment. The office of the "spa" is a small, dingy room with a desk covered with magazines, a tiny tv tuned in to Jerry Springer and two bird cages with doves. The doves were out of the cages, but got frightened when I walked in and they hopped back into the cages. There wasn't anyone there, so I looked down the hall and said "hello?" a few times. A woman came out, and I asked her about the tanks. She didn't know anything about them (even though she worked there), but told me that the manager would be back in 20 minutes and that I shouldn't wait there, but should call in 20 minutes. Weird, right?

When I got home, I decided to take a walk around my neighborhood, and I called the manager:
BA: Hi, may I speak to ------?
Manager: I told you not to call here! You called earlier and I told you not to call. And you're calling again. Don't call back!
BA: No, I didn't call...
Manager hangs up.

A questionable customer service approach, I'd say, but it worked. I called back and instead of asking for the manager, I asked about the flotation tanks. The manager said that they have one that works, the rest are broken, and I'd have to make an appointment way in advance. I asked a few more questions and she seemed to warm up to me a bit, and said that they had time on Saturday at noon. She told me to show up at noon, with $80, and I would take lots of showers and they would have a towel for me because they are a spa. And that was how I made my appointment to float.

Just about every aspect of the appointment-making process raised giant red flags. I seriously hoped that I wouldn't be there during a drug bust, or be video taped.

I got there at noon today, to find that "Bill" had an appointment at noon. It was written on the wall calendar hanging by the desk. The lady there (not the manager) was very nice and said that Bill had just called to say that he was on his way, but since I was already there, I could go ahead and get in the tank. She led me down a hallway to a room with a massage table, told me to undress and then led me through another door to the room with the tank. There was a shower in the corner, so I took the first of many showers, to wash off any lotions, oils and makeup. The lady returned with earplugs and a neck pillow and opened the tank. It was bigger than I expected and had only about a foot of water in it. I put in the ear plugs and climbed in. She shut the hatch and I was in darkness, but my eyes adjusted and there was some light let in from the gap on the door hatch. I bobbed around for a while and found that I kept tensing my muscles, so had to remind myself to relax. It's an odd sensation, floating on top of the water. The water was cooler than I expected, but after a few minutes, I adjusted and could no longer feel it. Or anything, really, until I bumped into the wall. Just a tiny push with the pinky would send me bobbing across to the other side of the tank, but I could barely feel myself move. I tried to quiet my mind and focus on my breath, but it's really difficult to turn off my mind. I found my thoughts wandering and had to shush myself. There was a brief freak-out moment about three-quarters through my time in the tank, when I hit something floating in the water. It was a plastic bobbing thing shaped like a microphone. I was deeply relaxed, in that quiet place right before I drift off to sleep, and running into that bobbing thing startled me. After I pushed it away, I got restless and fidgety. I had just settled back down when the lady came back and opened the tank door. I was supposed to be in there for an hour, but I think it was a half-hour, at most.

After the tank, I took another shower to wash off the salt, then off to the hot tub, which was painfully hot. I climbed in and hoped I would get used to the temperature. I asked the lady to turn down the heat, which she did, but I felt like I was boiling, so I got out. The parts that had been submerged were bright pink and looked sunburned. I took another shower, and then was led into the massage room, where I had left my clothes. I turned down the massage because my skin was still tingly and burning, so I just got dressed and dried my hair. The lady came to fetch me and talk to me while I dried my hair, then she took me to meet the manager, who was a tiny old woman. I couldn't believe that this was the woman who yelled at me over the phone. I paid, and there were hugs all around. That was floating.

From accounts I read before I went, I was prepared to be overwhelmed by the sounds/sights/smells of the city after depriving my senses of stimuli for a while, but it wasn't a problem. Maybe because I didn't get a full hour in the tank, or maybe because I wasn't able to quiet my mind enough to reach a truly relaxed state. I did pay more attention to the sounds I encountered as I walked home: squirrels chattering, a sprinkler, jingling coins in a man's pocket, the clanking of the open clasp on my messenger bag, my footsteps, rustling trees, and the sounds of cars driving, revving, honking...

I really liked floating, and now that I know what to expect, I'd like to do it again, but next time I'll ask for the full hour in the tank and forgo the scalding hot tub and the massage. It is very relaxing and peaceful. Delightful.

By the way, Bill never showed up for his appointment.